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The Problem with Karma

Some incarnations are stickier than others!

Whore (AKA "An Irishman and a Kiwi Walk Into a Ludu...")

Last night, I watched my very first episode of Spartacus: Blood and Sand. The episode was titled "Whore". It could've been named for any of several characters, although it does eventually become evident where the titling came from.

The show's reputation for being a bit racy is not, in and of itself, why I've been avoiding seeing it. The show's reputation for being a whole lot racy, along with my certainty that there are situations I never want to see Xena: Warrior Princess in, in addition to reading that Lucy Lawless' intitial reaction to filming certain scenes sounded more like trauma than triumph? That complex combo was my reason for avoiding the show up until last night.

Eventually, temptation got the better of me, and I'm glad it did. I may never, ever watch this show again, but there were a few positives. The negatives, first, though: 

1. Bloody head was just too bloody. I would've gotten that the chick was done, and why, even without the Gore-O-Vision.
2. Two out of three sex scenes were more squick than squee. And I'm pretty sure at least one of those two wasn't intended to be a squick, but a squick it certainly was.
3. I didn't learn anything. Yes, I know it's not the entertainment industry's job to teach. On the other hand, it's easier to justify wasting my time on said entertainment if I can bring some new perspective or useful bit of information away from the experience.
4. The swordplay seemed a bit slow and lumbering to me.
5. Do some of these guys actually want to be gladiators?

And the positives:

1. Lucy Lawless is skilled as an actress. Thank the gods. Lucretia didn't look like Xena, didn't sound like Xena, and didn't act like Xena. Consequently, I wasn't traumatized. At least not beyond what FIN already did to me.
2. Breasts. There were bare breasts all over the place. And, at first, my internal monologue was basically "Yay, breasts!" Eventually, though, that became "Breasts? There were breasts?" While that second reaction (or lack thereof) may be caused in part by my eye's inability to look away from all the merkin shots, a bit of culture-wide desensitization to seeing naked breasts would be a good thing. You know, in the interest of things like breast feeding and the 14th Amendment.
3. I like hearing the word "Thracian" bandied about. 
4. Subtext? Was that subtext? 
5. Take away the violence and the sexuality, and there was still at lease one compelling scene. Wigless, angry, vulnerable Lucretia -- and that scene's dialog with her husband -- was worth sitting though some of the squickier stuff.

Before I fully convince myself that the breast issue makes this show a champion of the greater good, there's just one thing I'd like to point out to those of you who would want to see Renee O' Connor do a guest spot: No. The separation between Xena and Spartacus is clear, as things stand. But that line could easily get murky once Lawless and O' Connor are in the same scene.

Besides, if you thought the Gabdrag was bad with gore done Xena-style...

Romance is never bad. Only Romans. Damn you, Caesar.

If I have any credibility, on any subject, I'm fairly certain that posting Xena fan vids will eventually kill it. 

But if I like it well enough to steal it, then I should (wo)man up and I embed it, too. Right?

At this point in time, I'd also like to express my extreme relief that there's no "embed" feature for fan fiction.

via Xena Online

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

This is my FarmVille farm. 

It's not a big farm, in part because I'm only at level 22, but also because my farmer just doesn't get most modern conveniences. She had a bad experience or two with black powder, and since then, anything with a combustion engine just gives her the willies.

Hey! There she is, now! I've read enough fan fic to know that simply having a character with black hair and blue eyes is enough to qualify as a Xena uber, so that's what this farmer is: a samurai uber Xena who enjoys turning her farm red.

She's not very friendly. Get too close, and she might use that axe for chopping more than wood. But she has an obsessive streak, which means she finds lots of eggs and perfect bunches. And, frankly, she needs neighbors. She's perfectly willing to send insincere Valentines, and generally use you, in whatever way she can, in order to advance in the game. She's also perfectly OK with you responding in kind.

If you're good to go with that sort of mutually-beneficial, wonderfully cheap sort of online interaction, swing by my Facebook profile, and add me. Be sure to reference either Xena, FarmVille, or TypePad, so I won't think you're just some random yokel  -- or worse, someone that I ought to know, but can't remember  -- cruising Facebook for whatever the Hell people cruise Facebook for.

But be quick about it. Farmer Xena's already expressed her displeasure at my tendency to try to talk convenience store clerks into joining in on Facebook and/or FarmVille, just so I'll have more neighbors. And  --  sad but true -- my bokken doesn't stand a snowball's chance in Tartarus against that itty-bitty axe.

Just between me and you, Conquerors make piss-poor sharecroppers. I'm starting to wonder if Amazons wouldn't be more pliant.

Does Your Mother Know?

via www.youtube.com

Happy animated Xena + happy animated Gab + maintext + music + Christine Baranski = squeee!

I may even start liking ABBA after this!

Reasons to Watch: Xena: Warrior Princess, Season One

I'm a TV junkie. I think TV is one of those value-added things in life, and am highly suspicious of anyone who utters the phrase "I don't watch TV." It ranks just under "I don't like dogs" on my own, personal list of things people say that make alarm bells go off in my head. 

In addition to being a TV junkie, in general, I'm a serial obsessive. Earlier this year, I was going through a Supernatural phase, where the DVDs of that show were the only things I was having shipped out from Netflix. Now, I'm in a Xena phase, working my way through streaming the seasons, after a quick fit of watching select episodes as recommended by Whoosh!

The thing is, with Xena: Warrior Princess, I know that even after this particular obsessive phase ends, there will come a point in time when I want to come back, and watch at least some of the episodes all over again. Except that I might not want to pour through the massive amount of information that Whoosh! provides, in order to find the episodes that I want to watch.

This is my list of personal favorites from the first season, annotated with the reasons why they're my favorites, because, with all due respect to David Bowie, I'd have to cram too many things to store all of this is my head:

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Dreamworker

Gabrielle's sword-fight rehearsal monologue.
The blind mystic/ex-mystic/ex-exmystic. I just like this character.
This is where the show actually started teasing the lesbians, intentionally or otherwise.
Gabrielle's breast dagger.
Gabrielle flaunting the breast dagger.

Xena to Gabrielle, upon noticing Gabrielle's flaunting of said breast dagger: "You didn't find a sorcerer to enhance your motives, did you?"

Gabrielle to Xena: "Wonder what else is in these clothes..."

Gabrielle to Xena, after Xena takes the breast dagger away from her: "Ha! It's not like your breasts aren't dangerous enough!"

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Altared States

I'm torn on this episode, and don't care for the story, overall, but it's an obvious example of intentional, in-your-face subtext.

The opening:

Strewn clothes. Giggling.
Gabrielle: "How was that?"
Xena: "You're getting the hang of it."
Gabrielle: "Really?"
Xena: "Come on, Gabrielle. You've been wanting to do this for ages."

The cave scene. Xena has just awakened Garielle, who has been drugged with henbane, and gotten her to her feet.

Gabrielle, looking at Xena: "By the gods!"
Xena: "What is it?"
Gabrielle, having fallen back to the cave floor: "You are beautiful!"
Xena: "Uh-huh. And you. Are. Drugged.

The well scene. Xena has been thrown into a well, with Gabrielle thrown in after. Xena catches the rope to save herself, then catches Gabrielle, too. Xena tells Gabrielle to climb up her body.

Xena's reply, when Gabrielle asks if she had hurt Xena: "No, no. Lovin' every moment of it."

It was also interesting to me that, in a rant to his fellows, the main bad guy refers to Xena as "unnatural" and "an abomination". Those are code words, and we all know what they mean.

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The Greater Good

Early in this episode, Argo kicks Gabrielle's staff from her hands. This sets the tone for later.

Gabrielle actually uses some of that confidence that she gained in The Prodigal to save Xena from being killed in battle after the latter has been hit with a poisoned dart. She also takes over defense of the village after Xena dies.

To keep the bad guys from knowing that Xena is out of commission, Gabrielle dons Xena's ill-fitting costume, carries a bad fake chakram, and has a go at riding Argo. At her first public impersonation, someone remarks "Does she seem smaller than before?"

When Gabrielle is captured by the bad guy warlord, it's Argo who saves her.

Salmoneus gets a bit of character development when he finds Xena dead. He tries to take care of Gabrielle, to convince her to run. Later, he offers himself and Xena's body to the warlord, in order to save the villagers. When a revived Xena start kicking bad-guy ass, Salmoneus frees the villagers, instead of running away.

When the warlord decides to use horses to rip Xena's corpse in half, Gabrielle attacks, and she kicks lots of ass, until she is once again, captured. But the warlord is dumb, and chooses to uses Argo as one of the corpse-ripping horses. Once Xena is tied to the horses, even though the horses are being whipped, both Argo and the other horse refuse to budge.

When the warlord orders Argo's death, Xena gets all un-dead, stops the horse's would-be attacker, and growls "Don't you ever touch my horse again."

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Callisto

This ep introduces both Callisto (Xena's perfect torment) and Joxer. 

Lots of great scenery.

There's a touchy-feely campfire scene where Xena opens up to Gabrielle about the raid that killed Callisto's family, and Gabrielle makes Xena promise that, if something happens to her, Xena won't become a monster.

In order to impress Callisto, Joxer tries to kidnap Gabrielle. Gab thrashes him with her staff.

In order to impress Callisto, Joxer tries to kidnap Gabrielle. Gab punches him in the face.

Gabrielle to Joxer, post face-punch:

"Listen, I've beaten the stuffing out of you both times we've met!"

Xena, to some guy who was earlier bent on revenge:

"People like us should listen to people like Gabrielle."

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Death Mask

The arrow-catching discussion:

Gabrielle, to Xena: "If you shot ten arrows at me, how many do you think I'd miss?"
Xena's response: "Only one."

When Xena tries to make Gabrielle seek shelter in a nearby village, Gabrielle refuses, hand on hip and fingers pointing, as she explains to Xena that she's never safe to be around:

Gabrielle to Xena, post-rant: "Now, if that's all, I'll just be practicing with my staff. End of discussion."
Then, as she walks by Xena's brother: "Sorry you had to witness that, Toris."

Breast dagger!

Gabrielle and Toris, in Xena's abscence:

Gabrielle, referring to Xena: "When we first met, I was this little girl from Potodeia."

The you-can't-come-along look that Xena gives Gabrielle:

Gabrielle: "Yeah, I know. It's easier to get two in than three. I'll just go guard some villagers, or something. Even if they're not in danger."

Xena's discussion with Toris about Gabrielle:

Toris: "How do you put up with that girl?"
Xena: "Why? She knows more about justice and wisdom that you'll ever know."

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Is There a Doctor in the House?

Medical knowledge. I now know how to perform a field tracheotomy, amputate a leg, and inflate a lung with a reed and a pig's bladder.

Xena performs a c-section to deliver Ephiny's centaur baby.

Huge, emotional scene where Gabrielle dies. Screaming, shaking, crying, slapping, 'til eventually Xena's pounds Gabrielle's heart into restarting.

.

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You can catch Xena: Warrior Princess, Seaon One on Netflix by clicking here.

For in-depth information on all of the Xena episodes, surf on over to Whoosh!